THE BACHELOR: On the Wings of Deconstruction by Sarah Kowalski & Tigh Rickman

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Sarah Kowalski and Tigh Rickman are respectively a graduate of, and a candidate at the Stonecoast MFA program. Both longtime fans of reality television, they are both relative newcomers to the ABC phenomenon The Bachelor. However, much like crack cocaine, it only took a small hit to hook them both, and now both watch religiously with their fiction writers’ eyes. What follows is their weekly dialogue regarding the previous episode of The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love.

The Bachelor: On the Wings of Deconstruction

In this past week’s episode, Jake, The Bachelor and sensitive pilot, engaged in hometown dates with the remaining four finalists (Gia, Ali, Vienna and Tenley) and got to meet their families. The show concluded with frontrunner Ali having to choose between the show and Jake, or losing her job back in San Francisco.

On Jake

Tigh:

The thing about Jake — you can tell from his physical mannerisms (a deep sigh, head dips, head raises, tear falls) that everything he’s learned about love is from TV shows (I’m guessing his home life as a kid wasn’t a happy one — absent father, I bet) so he’s got these idealized concepts about love and romance.  Which makes him perfect for The Bachelor.

Sarah:

Jake… oh, Jake.  You’re so right; he’s perfect for the Bachelor, since the entire show seems to thrive on people saying as little as is humanly possible that doesn’t consist of a stock set of phrases: “here for the right reasons”  ”looking for my best friend” “truly falling for…” “ready for commitment.”  What makes Jake so horrifyingly ideal for the show is that I don’t think he actually wants to think or feel anything besides those phrases.

Tigh:

This week, I was really taken by how desperate Jake was for the approval of all the families — including Vienna’s train-wreck of a brood. It only furthers my theory that this guy has some serious parental-abandonment issues.

Sarah:

When I try to picture Jake in daily life, not on a reality show — married or not — I get seriously creeped out. That little dimpled fake smile he gives when he’s trying to look sympathetic? Gives me the willies. Also: I hadn’t realized I felt this way until now, but I’m prepared to say that, barring the excuse of being a serious athlete or actor, I just don’t think you get a 12-pack without some major personality issues.  Seriously: do you know anyone with that many abs who’s also an interesting, emotionally healthy human being?

Tigh:

I don’t see Jake as nuts in a dangerous way, but I could definitely see him being a little unhinged. I was talking to a friend about him and I told her your theory that a guy with abs like that is compensating for something. She pointed out that, as a pilot, he probably has a lot of down time in hotels and spends it working out. Which is possible (I think she’s a 12-pack apologist, personally).

But I think he’s just a flat out milquetoast who has a hard time accessing real emotions, so like I said, he’s parroting what he’s seen in the movies and on TV. In other words, he’s just doing what he thinks a good man in his position (31, single) should do. But when his real emotions do come to the surface, I wouldn’t be surprised if they do in explosive outbursts. Put it this way — I wouldn’t want to piss in this guy’s Corn Flakes.

Sarah:

Your friend’s a total 12-pack apologist! If interesting people have down time in hotels, they might exercise for an hour or two — but they’ll also read, watch movies, meet people in bars, write, talk on the phone, what have you. Being in shape is one thing. Working out for hours a day (unless it’s in the service of something you’re passionate about… sports, dancing, acting, etc.) makes you boring. I will maintain this position until someone sends an interesting 12-packed man to change my mind.

But I think you’ve got it right — as creeped out as I am by Jake, I agree that the only danger he poses is that when a real emotion comes, it’s probably out of all proportion because it’s been so bottled up. And it causes him to be manipulative and entitled in unflattering ways.

On the Departure of Ali

Tigh:

Going back to his abandonment issues, did you notice how Jake gradually morphed from being the bigger man in letting Ali go back to work into full-on needy and manipulative ‘you need to stay’ mode once he felt he was losing her?

Sarah:

I always wonder with this show how much of my frustration stems from the fact that people genuinely don’t say anything to each other — or whether it’s just that they’re edited that way because ABC likes to keep their story arcs neat and easy. Like, I really wanted Ali to say something along the lines of, “If I leave, and we’re really right for each other, you can always look me up after the show… but if I lose my job, it’s gone for good.” I’m glad (for her sake) that she left. I’ve always thought she’d be kind of bored with him. He seemed incapable of sympathizing with her or talking through her situation… it totally became all about him.

Tigh:

Yeah, Ali leaving is the best thing for Jake – worst-case scenario, she’s a total contingency plan. Say he pops the question to Gia and it doesn’t work out — he’s got Ali to fall back on post-Bachelor. He could probably even parlay it into an ABC wedding.

Sarah:

Very true.  If this guy ever gets married, to anybody, he can probably parlay it into an ABC wedding.  As for Ali — all this talk of how she’s “walking out of his life forever.” Dude, get in your plane and fly to San Francisco if it means that much to you. But no, in the fantasy world of The Bachelor relationships only exist on-camera, because it all has to end with the magic ring.

Looks like Ali calls him up next week though, so maybe she’s just trying to pull an Ed and be the comeback winner (as on the most recent season of ‘The Bachelorette’).

On Vienna’s Hometown Date

Tigh:

Vienna has the bedroom of a 17 year old. And the way Jake was laying on her bed, making out with her in it, made him kind of look like a pedophile.

Sarah:

Vienna’s relationship with her dad totally creeps me out. The picture of them kissing in her bedroom? All the princess talk? Ew, ew, ew. Nobody “deserves” to be treated like a princess. What does that even mean?

Tigh:

I noticed the glass in the frame with the photo of Vienna and her father was cracked. A picture of her kissing her dad, in a distressed and damaged frame…could just see her throwing it across the room in a temper tantrum. Put that with what you’re saying and I think we’re talking about a father/daughter relationship that runs hot and cold in the most bipolar of ways.

On Tenley’s Hometown Date

Tigh:

Tenley is by far the hottest. Did you see her calves when she was dancing for Jake?

And how effed up is it that she never danced for her ex-husband, but she dances for a dude she’s know for like five weeks? If that’s not a rebound response I don’t know what is. As great as I’m sure Tenley is she needs more time.

Sarah:

She does have some serious dancer legs. Ooh, also did you notice how Tenley asked Jake whether he made his own decisions, and he said “I run everything by my mom and dad,” and somehow she rounded that up to him totally making his own decisions? But this is why I think she might well be the last girl standing. She’s rounding him up to what she wants in the same way he is.

Tigh:

One of the side benefits of going to a liberal arts college with a 4 to 1 girl/boy ratio was I got to date artists from a variety of genres — and dancers were always the most bonkers. A lot also came from families like Tenley’s – right out of an episode of The Donna Reed Show. Her family is polished to a shine, and fits a certain convention of what a family should be (much like Jake is acting how a nice guy should act).

On Who the Frontrunner is

Sarah:

In the first episode, when I saw Tenley doing cartwheels on the beach and talking about how she’d saved herself for marriage… I was like, “That’s his girl.  she might just be as dopey-repressed as he is.”  We’re down to the final three and I still think Tenley’s the one to beat. I don’t see Jake keeping Gia around much longer, at least if Ali winds up back in the picture. I think it was between Gia and Vienna to leave tonight, and given his weird obsession with Vienna, I really can’t say for sure who would’ve gone home between the two of them.

Tigh:

I’d agree if it weren’t for the tear-fest Tenley’s entire family (Tenley included) held every time her ex-husband was mentioned. And if I was Jake, I wouldn’t buy her mom’s “If anybody can move on from (a divorce), it’s Tenley” pitch. But then again, when it comes to Jake, who the hell knows. They’re both in love with the idea of love, and being in love solely for love’s sake, so it could go either way. It all depends on how insensitive Jake chooses to be towards Tenley’s healing process. But my money’s on Ali. Once word gets back to her that she’s given up on Jake AND a Caribbean vacation, she’ll be back lickety-split.

Sarah:

Let’s work out the terms of this wager… my money’s still on Tenley and her calves.  One thing’s for sure: can’t wait for next week’s “fantasy suite” (sex) dates!