The Bachelorette Week 10, The Men Tell All: BEHIND THE SCENES OF BACHELORLAND by Sarah Kowalski & Tigh Rickman

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Sarah Kowalski and Tigh Rickman are recent graduates of Stonecoast MFA. Both longtime fans of reality televison, they are both relative newcomers to ABC’s The Bachelor. However, much like crack cocaine, it only took a small hit to hook them both, and now both watch religiously with their fiction writers’ eyes.

The Bachelorette ; The Men Tell All: BEHIND THE SCENES OF BACHELORLAND

Last week, we left fair Ali beside the rockfish-laden waters of Tahiti, where though Frank’s departure had elicited many tears and much self-pity, she still had two worthy suitors remaining: Chris and Roberto.  Whom would she choose?  The man from Nantucket, the fellow Masshole and flip-cup champion, the sensitive son who wears his dead mom’s signature tattooed on his manly chest?  Or the “man in uniform” (baseball uniform, that is), the sooooo-good-looking Latin hottie and fellow Lion King stage-dangler, Rico Suave himself?  We don’t know, because this week was all about revisiting our past before we could move on to glimpse Ali’s future.  And what a past it was… in “The Men Tell All.”

Tigh: So… apparently the ‘All’ in ‘The Men Tell All’ just has to do with what a heel Rated R is, how crazy Kasey is, and how everyone hated Craig M.

Sarah: This episode did get a little repetitive after a while, didn’t it?  Chris Harrison kept turning to the camera to reassure us, “Don’t worry, we’ll spend MORE time talking about Justin after this break…” and I kept replying, “WHY?”  I think my favorite part of the show was the blooper reels.  Ali screaming like a banshee and scrabbling away from that mouse… Craig R. with his hand in a champagne bucket of warm water… there were so many good times that we’d missed out on the first time around.

Tigh: I’m right there with you. The Craig bedwetting was by far one of the funniest things of the night, mainly because of how long it took him to come to. Was he hammered? How do you stay that semi-conscious for so long?

Sarah: He must’ve been.  Speaking of hammered, how classic was it that Ali had zero memory she’d ever put on that space helmet in the museum — did you catch her slurring like a cartoon drunkard in her interviews from that night?

Tigh: Well, she was definitely drunk. And she pretty much always is. I think that the weight loss that she experienced in preparation to be The Bachelorette probably lowered her tolerance more than she bargained for. It seems like back in the days of the group dates we’d always mention that Ali was looking a little sauced. But back to Rated R, I totally agree. Chris T.M. kept teasing us, but did he really expect us to believe there would be more? They really needed him there in studio to make any discussion of him pop. Otherwise you’re just going to get what we got–a bunch of butt-hurt guys kvetching about him and blaming him for their exit from the show. Really? You ALL would have ended up with Ali if not for Rated R not being there? Gimme a break.

Sarah: Exactly.  Besides which, isn’t devoting 30 minutes of prime time to rerunning his scenes and discussing him in detail buying him exactly the kind of notoriety he went on the show to achieve in the first place?  Sure, his reputation’s been “tarnished,” but as I think we can see from the cast of the upcoming Bachelor Pad, there’s no such thing as bad publicity on this show, given that at least three of the guys selected as cast members took the cake for being the douchiest douches of doucheland on their respective seasons: I’m speaking here of rapey-eyes David and guitar-playing two-timer Wes from Jillian’s season, and our own Man With the Hair, the guy who’ll give you a wedgie and laugh at you in front of your own mom, the delightfully deranged Craig M.

Tigh: What a triumvirate! That show is going to be the balls. But I’m not really sure that Rated R.’s rep is going to even be tarnished by this. His wrestling persona is that of the heel to begin with, and this plays in perfectly. The only thing that would hurt his wrestling street-cred would be the voicemail montage of shame, where he waxes all gooey to his girlfriend. But even the stuff they were talking him down for this past week wasn’t all that derogatory when you think about it. Like when Jessie the informant (lickey-boom-boom-down) pointed out that he had to go from one girl’s house to the next on foot because he didn’t even have a CAR! Snap! But, as my friend Danson so eloquently pointed out, “Bro, he’s still banging two chicks.”

Sarah: Oh, Jessie.  She was like the oracle of Justin shame.  I guess they needed a special guest of some sort, since they failed to get either Justin or Craig M. to show up.

Tigh: Talk about stretching your fifteen minutes of fame. But Jessie did get pretty hot since her days with Jake. She’s like that guy who just can’t quite seem to let go of college and keeps hanging around even though all the friends he had when he went there graduated like ten years ago. Of course, had my college not closed I probably would’ve been that guy, but still. You have to let go, Jessie.

Sarah: Don’t worry, Tigh, you can be that guy at Stonecoast.

Tigh: I can’t wait!

Sarah: So, I also enjoyed seeing the montage of Ali and Roberto’s animal encounters, not to mention him nearly taking her eye out with that champagne cork.  Watching them all silly and giggly together actually made me feel a little better about their chemistry extending a bit beyond “you’re so hot,” “no, you’re so hot.”

Tigh: It was like watching Mutual of Oma-hot’s Wild Kingdom. And I agree, it did give them depth. It showcased Roberto Perfecto’s real feelings for Ali, I think–willing to be goofy and self-effacing, which I think brings a little more balance to their relationship. In other words, even though she’s bowled over by his hotness, he doesn’t really let it go to his head, which says something about him. Unfortunately, Chris didn’t get the same opportunity. The clips we saw of them were pretty much on par with what we’ve been seeing. And I’ve figured out what it is about Chris’ kissing style that gives it its unique awkwardness–he stabs at her with his jaw. Watch him next time, he looks like he’s trying to drink from a hose.

Sarah: Ha!  Whereas Kirk couldn’t kiss her without scratching her jaw throughout the whole thing.  Now, a little face touching never hurt anyone, but vary the routine, guy.  It was like he was petting a tiny pet puppy on the side of her face while he kissed her.  Every time.

Tigh: It’s the same move John Travolta uses in Face/Off to tell his wife he loves her. And when Capt. Kirk does it, the gesture carries the same amount of emotional resonance. Another part I really enjoyed was the montage of Chris N. being creepy. Glad to know it wasn’t just us who was baffled by his lack of interaction with Ali and everyone else. Watching his head drift through the steamy, Icelandic hot spring, presumably fantasizing about Mexican food, was a joy and a pleasure.

Sarah: I know.  The Phantom!  How creepy would it have been to live in a house with that dude for weeks on end?  It provided yet another opportunity for Chris L.  (a.k.a. the FINAL CHRIS)

Tigh:….except for The Man!

Sarah: …of course, of course, except for him.  But it provided another opportunity for Chris L. to showcase his antics for the camera — ducking out of the way of an imaginary Phantom after Chris N. had been sent home.  I will say, I consistently like Chris L. whenever he’s interviewing for the cameras.  I think he’s actually funnier and more relaxed there that most of the time when he’s with Ali.  Not sure what to make of that.

Tigh: My guess is he’s a guy who, when he goes out to the bars, spends his time laughing and joking with his friends rather than trying to pick up girls. Nothing wrong with that at all, but at the same time I think it would explain why he’s so good at being around the guys, being witty when it comes to good-naturedly busting their balls (a ‘la Chris N.) and why he’s so stiff and awkward around Ali.

Sarah: It makes me wonder whether he’d loosen up around her eventually, or whether what he really needs is a girl who’ll draw out that side of him more somehow.  I’m still not wholly convinced of the Chris and Ali chemistry…

Tigh: Me neither. I want to be, and I guess that’s why I’m holding out hope for him. He’s a great dude and a guy I’d love to have a beer with or go to a Sox game with. But I get the feeling that’s all he is to Ali as well. She wants to want him, but it’s just not there like it is with Roberto.

Sarah: Yup.  That’s pretty much my assessment too.  And, although I predicted based on my first five television minutes with Chris that if he didn’t get the final rose he was a shoo-in for the next Bachelor, I kind of don’t wish that on him.  Even if it was offered to him, I hope he’d have the good sense to turn it down; I just frankly don’t see him being cut out for public falling in love.  Plus, I think he’ll get friends-of-friends crawling out of the woodwork to set him up with their cousins/sisters/best friends when he gets back to the Cape, and I think that’s a better way to go for him.  ARE YOU LISTENING, CHRIS? I AM SAYING THIS BECAUSE I CARE.

Tigh: Or he could just do what Craig R. was doing and try to score with any and all of the studio audience at The Men Tell All. Do they let men into the studio? Am I the only man who watches this show?!

Sarah: …um, you might be?

Tigh: It’s cool. I’m confident in my masculinity. I don’t think Chris is quite right for The Bachelor either, not only for the reasons you mentioned but also because he doesn’t really have much of a career. Sure, he’s got the looks, the life story that pulls your heartstrings, the together family that is financially comfortable, but he just doesn’t have the career. In order to be The Bachelor I think you need to have something unique going for you in the job field these days (like, say a back-up quarterback in the NFL or the brother of a celebrity) or a lousy career that can be dressed up to look better than it is (relief pilot for some no-name private carrier). I also have these doubts about Kirk (whom I assumed would be the next Bachelor until I saw his dad’s Taxidermy Taj Mahal)  — which begs the question, who’s next?

Sarah: I know.  I can’t quite predict.  Unless something goes wrong and Roberto ends up without a rose next week, in which case: yes, please.  He’s got the “former baseball player” angle to work.  And, I mean, he’s so good looking.

Tigh: So good looking. I dunno, it’s tough to call. They might need to go back to the drawing board and get someone from the general population this time around. Who knows, maybe it will be Kasey. Wouldn’t THAT be something!

Sarah: My mind is exploding.  I don’t think that’s an ABC show.  I think it’s a Werner Herzog movie.

Tigh: Can you picture him standing in front of twenty-five women on the first night saying, “I’m here to protect and guard ALL your hearts”? Amazing. But you do have to hand it to Kasey, he came off pretty well the other night, making fun of himself and reminding everyone that the glacier he was abandoned on was, in fact, cold. And everyone telling him how crazy he was to his face! I was like, lay off him, man that’s OUR job.

Sarah: Right?  I did enjoy that the guys mostly confirmed our worldview of Bachelorland; Casey was crazy, Chris N. was The Phantom, and so forth.  Craig R. even broke it down for us about how what Frank did was not equivalent to what Justin did, in a way that I pretty much agreed with 100 percent.  Wouldn’t it be hilarious if Craig R. were the next Bachelor?  He’s not really “dreamy” enough, but the guy wouldn’t even need Chris Harrison. around — he’d be setting up shots for the producers, writing his own Fantasy Suite cards, the works.

Tigh: He should do his own spinoff online! I’d watch it. But the laws of Bachelorland are plain in cases such as Justin and Frank. As it says on the tablet that Chris The Man brought down from Mt. Sinai, ‘Thou shalt not enter into Bachelorland without thine reasons being right. If however thou decideth whilst within Bachelorland that thine heart is with thine ex, that’s cool.’

Sarah: Ha!  I can totally picture Chris H. toting that thing down from on high, all robed and bearded.

So, coming up next week… we return to the steamy hot island of Bora Bora, where Chris and Roberto will meet Ali’s family, and (from the looks of the previews) both have somewhat awkward grill-sessions with her father, who has not been to Bachelorland and doesn’t quite buy that they could be ready to propose to his daughter after only 9 weeks.

Tigh: Get with the times, pops! That’s how we do it in the 21st Century. And after the big decision…it’s the After the Final Rose special, where we’ll see just how things bore out for Roberto, Chris and Ali — as well as for Mole Rat Frank, who’ll be back to explain and clarify that which is already pretty clear: why he left the show. And I’m looking forward to that the most. The one little gem that came out of The Men Tell All was the heretofore unseen clip of Ali, in tears after Frank’s departure, telling the camera that he was the guy she thought she was “going to spend the rest of (her) life with.” Yikes. Looks like the Mole Rat had his claws in deeper than we thought.

Sarah: That and saying that she was “sure he was going to meet my family.”  Sounds like in her mind he’d definitely already made it to the final two.

Tigh: Should make for an interesting chat come next week. I can’t wait! Finally, all these weeks of watching are going to pay off! How exactly they’ll pay off I have no idea, but I’m hoping they do… Like maybe I’ll get a check from ABC or something…?

Sarah: One can dream.

(photos: abc.com)